Coma Girl

Chance Edgerly

The doors of the hospital’s ER fly open. A girl is carted in
from a severe car crash on the main highway. The look of her caved in Scion
told the story well. This was a head on collision, a miracle that she
survived at all. I came in following, but a foot step behind the cart
screaming, asking the questions no one could answer. Nurses and doctors were
flying all around like bees in a beehive. I continued to scream loosing my
patience grabbing anyone close to me asking if they knew anything. I was
finally restrained and "escorted" out of the room we had entered and led to
the waiting room. I didn't follow the rooms advice, I couldn't wait I had to
know my answers. Pacing back and forth I couldn't stop my mind from racing I
finally sat and punched my knees. I stressfully turned my hands to fists
tightening my grip.... on reality. My thumbs carefully strain on every
individual knuckle. After what seemed to be an eternity a nurse came in
saying my name, I gave a reluctant nod and walked over to her. She asked my
relation to the patient and I replied husband of three years. She sighed,
"Your wife..." I interrupted her "Her name is Britney." She took a breath
and continued. "Britney was in a car accident in which a car collided with
hers straight on, head to head. Her car was crunched from the impact, it
drove her.... I mean Britney's head into the steering wheel and it eventually
glanced off the dash board resulting in some major head trauma." "Go on" I
said in an emotionless disbelief. The nurse continued, "She's experienced a
substantial amount of pressure to her cranium, this excess pressure has
subsided to her brain and has rendered her unconscious, she's in a coma
sir..."  I just stared on in disbelief I opened my mouth but no words came
out, I sat back down still silent, my mind starts to race again but in no
direction it just keeps going in a circle that never ends. I sat there for
some time, I began to curse out  saying any obscenity that crossed my mind,
which led to a blur of incoherent words then eventually settled into a
prayer.

I spent that night at the hospital in a silent rage. The only
talking I did was towards myself in my thoughts. When I awoke from a
pointless non-existent sleep I still felt all the same pent up emotions. I
asked if I could see my wife, they led me into her room, she was lying on
the bed in a patient's gown, numerous machines and monitors were hooked into
her. I just looked at her for a moment she was still, the silence was eerie.
She had a helpless look to her. Her skin was paler then normal. I closed my
eyes as the sight of her amplified my emotions, I began to weep nothing can
console a weeping man. Gathering myself, I held her hand and whispered "I love
you" and exited the room without saying another word. My wife's doctor met
me as I exited, he stopped me. He shook my hand and introduced himself. "Hi
sir, I'm Dr. Roberts I have been assigned your wife's case. Honestly sir
this is a severe coma it's not likely she'll wake from it." He stopped to
let the words sink in then continued "Besides the head injury she is in good
shape, she is breathing on her own and has a constant heart rate, but like I
said her head injury is rigorous and it seams this coma is likely
unbeatable." I looked at the ground, then found my eyes resting on my wedding
ring, I felt the moisture behind my eyes, I rubbed them to delay the
inevitable. "So.... She's, she's done? She's terminal?" The doctor put his
hand on my shoulder and said "it looks that way sir." I didn't say anything,
I had nothing to reply, nothing to add, nothing could be said that would
change the result.

I didn't leave the hospital that night I couldn't bring myself
to, what did it matter, I either don't sleep at the hospital or I don't
sleep at my house. I finally went home the next morning. When I got home I
just sat and thought for a long time, no real emotion emerged its self as the leader.  Anger, fear, sorrow, they were all present. When I sat down I looked over to the coffee table to see a photo book. Anger finally took control to lead the pack like   a silver back gorilla hitting its chest to show its dominance. I directed my sight   away from the book but found myself staring at it again seconds later. I hesitated   to grab for it, what good could come from looking at it. A glutton for punishment, I grab it and turn to the opening page, our wedding picture stares me in the eye. A single tear falls
like one drop of rain in a desert. I realize I can't handle this I close the
book and toss it across the room. I didn't do anything the rest of the day
besides catch the ending score of the Bears game. Their win didn't even
cheer me up. After yet another sleepless night I went back to the hospital
to see if anything had changed, it hadn't she was still in the same state as
before. This cycle continued for about three months I would go home and get
a little farther into the memory book, remember the great memories and love
we had. I saw the quotes I wrote for our wedding, "you can tell if you truly
love a person if you can't picture your life without them" Ironic that I'm
looking at a picture of our life, without her. One night I made it to the
end of the memory book, that night I talked her up an immense amount in my
head, she was great, the nicest person I had ever met, she was funny in her
own way that for some reason only I found funny. Every little antic she had
made me smile, like when she thought something was funny her jaw would drop in a sarcastic representation of emotion. The way her eyebrows would raise when she knew I was lying or how she bit her bottom lip when she was concentrating. The way she would
stare off into the air when she was thinking and you could see the wheels
turning in her eyes or when she was sad she wouldn't talk just think and I'd
inform her that thinking can ruin your day and she would reply yuh huh. Thinking of her thinking, started to ruin my night, but I couldn't stop she stayed on my mind, she was the
only person I knew that enjoyed a good comedian as much as me. She was the only one I could lay with and not talk to and just listen to her heart beat and still feel like nothing need be said. My hands started to cringe and tense with this final thought now that I was lying in our bed alone with no heart beat to serenade me to sleep.

I woke up from another lackluster sleep, stretched, and yawned. After such an onslaught of emotions last night I had to see her again. I thought seeing her would make me smile like it always had before. Just the sight of her had always brought a smile to my face from the first time I saw her, but this time it was different. A smile was not on my face, just a blank stare, a false representation, no feeling produced or lost. Realizing this I pondered to myself. Is emotion like energy? Can it not be created or destroyed just distributed as needed? What I thought would be a touching moment with my wife was now turning into a science discussion. Frustrated and confused I left the room without saying I love you as I did everyday before. I went home in a neutral state. No emotion was dominate or even felt. I went on with the rest of my day with no distractions, just an ordinary day. I went to bed that night without a thought in my head, free to sleep. For once my mind was not in a dispute with its self, no nagging thoughts to keep me awake. I slept the whole night fine, woke up rested and feeling good. Got in the shower and turned on the radio for the first time since the accident. The first three songs were some of my favorites in which I belted out with my golden pipes. Thinking of the phrase golden pipes in my head made me chuckle. I continued to sing as Heat of the Moment by Asia came on. My all time favorite power ballad, so naturally I sang it to my best ability. The next song though, was I Want to Know What Love is by Foreigner. The song we danced to at our wedding. My smile fades, as I sing along knowing every word. Thoughts cloud my mind again, emotions run back. Hands ball to fists, anger shows its dominance once again like a king cobra opening its hood. The song ends, one tear is washed away by the water. The next song ironically was Crazy in Love by Eminem (great radio station, I know.) As I sing along again knowing every word I realize the good and bad sides are both evident.

Cause when I look at you I can see an angel in your eyes

But if I look deeper inside I see your freakish little side.
Like a devil in disguise

the lyrics stain my tongue and stay on my mind. I exit the shower and turn off the radio I don’t want to hear the songs finish. My hands still clinched in fists as I leave my bathroom and enter the living room. I see the portrait of Britney and I on the wall. I lose control, the beast from with in is released I punch the wall barley missing the corner of the picture frame and indent the wall causing the photo to fall. Game over, I’ve lost this game, I’ve lost control. I sit down on the floor breathing heavily, adrenaline still pulsing through my veins. I look down at my hand, bright red and bleeding. I can feel every heart beat in my knuckles, throbbing in pain at every pump. I begin to shake my hand in agony, quickly realizing shaking makes it worse I stop. On my way to the hospital my mind doesn’t want to think, its just a black abyss, the over bearing pain in my hand is the only thing breaking the silence. It wasn’t the first time I had broken my hand (yeah I can tell its broken) the first time was when me and Britney first moved in together. She had told me to put a picture frame on the wall with a nail, she had informed me we both loved the picture. Arguing with her about having to do work around the house while the Bears and Packers were playing I forgot about the job at hand (literally) and hammered my hand instead of the nail. She yelled at me while I screamed a few foul words. She told me that if I would’ve just listened to her that would’ve never happened. I disagreed, I didn’t want to put a picture up that was her choice, I wanted to watch Brian Urlacher take a pick six back to the house for the lead. I zone in back to reality and find my self breathing heavily, angry at her. I zone back out, now that I think about it she never let me watch the Bears play, I always had to do things she wanted around the house that she said we would love. I loved the house as is, I didn’t care about extra remedies, that was her liking. My forte on the other hand was watching Matt Forte run for 200 yards in a single game. While eating a bag of potato chips that she forbids me to eat cause of my quote un quote pending weight problem. That’s another thing, she would never let me eat what I wanted. Steaks (my favorite dish) was a no go for me. She told me it was bad for me even after I had explained we were carnivores and I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to eat some lettuce. She finally left my mind as I pictured a big slice of tri-tip smothered in A-1 sauce. I lick my lips and drool in a Homer Simpson like fashion. MMM….. steak hhh….. I then realize it had been three years since I’d had a bite of a steak. I had the cholesterol to prove it. I grow angry again at my wife for this fact. She had kept me from something I enjoyed for so long, why would she do that to me? And know she’s in a comma again keeping me from something I love. My mind starts darkening like an abandoned half lit warehouse in a scary movie. She always keeps me from the things I love and now she’s gone to the extent to keep herself from me. I say these incriminating words over and over again in my head. It’s all her fault, she did this to me, she made me this angry she sparked the flame inside me, the one that burns my insides. An explosion transpires in my thoughts any light that was left in the warehouse was now blackened. Every dormant emotion evolves and starts to radiate out of me. Afraid to point the barrel at myself I aimed it at my wife. Every bad thought I had about her, every situation that had a negative light to it came out. She was the one to blame for my sorrow and pain. I don’t want to feel the pain any more, I said to myself. I can’t go through this grief, no way I can feel all this and lose her. The loss of her will push me over the edge. I can’t fall, I need some traction. I put my mind to work. I don’t need her, I’m better off alone. My mind goes on the defensive to save myself from the pain of losing her. Every unconstructive contemplation I think instantly becomes overwhelming. No positive thought remains about her. I finally come to the self-protective conclusion, I don’t need her anymore. I don’t love her anymore. I let the words burrow into my head. I surprisingly accept it as the truth.

I enter the hospital, now I know all the nurses on a first name basis. I show them my hand and have it looked at just to find out what I already knew. Broken, no x-rays needed. I got my hand cleaned up and got some pain meds. I left there without even glancing at my wife’s room. For once I didn’t think about her enough to realize I could’ve seen her. I was in a mind-over-matter high, I was, happy. I went back to living my life. she no longer impacted my mood. I was in great state of mind, smiling more than I had ever before. Colors became brighter, music became clearer, and my life was some how no longer mundane but spectacular. Another 3 months went by, they were great. I had a new positive out look on life. I appreciated everything just a tad bit more than before. One day was especially great. I got a promotion and the nice raise that went along with it. My boss said I was a new man, and had some new found inspiration. The next mourning I woke up just as normal. I got in the shower sang Please Don’t Stop the Music and Hey Mamma the exited and dried off. I got a call from the hospital. “Hello” I answered. “Sir this is Dr. Roberts, long time no see, I have some great news.” “As do I, I am now the CEO of my company and make the most money in my building” I said with a cocky tone to try and one up the doctor. “That’s great but I have even better news, your wife is awake and stable, it’s a miracle sir a medical phenomenon.” I paused my mind instantly goes back on the defensive, to many bad memories to name. After realizing I hadn’t talked for a while I answered “oh?” The doctor was puzzled by my less than thrilled remark. “I don’t think you understand, you can come get her. You can bring her back home sir.” “Um, no that’s fine can you just tell her ill have the rest of my things out of the house by tomorrow and my wedding ring is on the memory book.” I hung up the phone before I could hear the doctor’s rebuttal. I glanced at my hand to see the bad tan line on my ring finger. I raised both my eye brows and continued on my day.

Britney entered her house and scratched her sore, healing head. The first thing that caught her eye was her husbands ring on top the memory book. She grabbed the ring and held it delicately. Tears came roaring down her face uncontrollably like a river rapid. She turned the memory book and saw through her windshield wiping eyelashes: "you can tell if you truly love a person if you can't picture your life without them"